An Excuse For War

  • Media: Why are you bombing Gaza?
  • Israel: Because Hamas killed three Israeli settlers.
  • Media: It now appears they didn't. So why ARE you bombing Gaza?
  • Israel: Because Hamas fires rockets at Israel.
  • Hamas: We did that because two young Palestinian boys were executed by the IDF as they were walking along a street minding their own business.
  • Media: We didn't know that.
  • Hamas: Yes you did. You just pretend that we fire rockets into Israel without any provocation because then Israel's response can be legitimised and apologised for.
  • Media to Israel: Don't you think that's enough now? You're just killing mostly civilians and children. Isn't that a war crime?
  • Israel: The rockets fired at us are a war crime. We won't stop until the tunnels are destroyed.
  • Media: Wait, what? First you said this was about the three boys murdered, then it was because of the rockets, and now you're saying its because of the tunnels. Which one is it?
  • Israel: It is what we say it is when we say it is. Any criticism of Israel is thinly veiled antisemitism in support of a terrorist organisation and sympathy for Hamas' goal of ethnically cleansing Jews.
  • Media: Wait, what?!!
  • Clinton: It's a shame but Gazans have mostly themselves to blame because they elected and work with Hamas. Also Israel gave them some beautiful greenhouses and Hamas destroyed them. We can't help them if they won't help themselves and end the violence.
  • Obama: We should find a way to end the violence on both sides but Hamas has to surrender first.
  • Cameron: Whatever Obama said.
  • BBC: Today, some more people in Gaza died. Meanwhile, three Israeli soldiers were brutally murdered by Hamas rockets. One innocent Israeli owl was slightly hurt too. It seems there is no end to this carnage on both sides.
  • CNN: Settlers cheered today when watching bombs fall on Gaza.
  • Settlers: Watch your mouth or we'll bomb your car you terrorist-sympathising bitch.
  • CNN: Our new reporter assigned to the region comes live now from Amman.
  • Israeli Right: Burn Gaza Burn! Yay! Gaza is a graveyard la la la la
  • Israeli Left: Both sides? Can we please just stop for a moment and ...
  • Israeli Right: You liberals are scum and unpatriotic. Here's my fist to teach you a lesson.
  • Media: So Mr. Netanyahu, why ARE you bombing Gaza?
  • Netanyahu: Because we want to, because we always planned on doing this, because this is our policy of securing Israeli security, because we don't want a Palestinian Unity Government, because Gazans voted for Hamas against our wishes, because it's good for my election prospects, and because Israel belongs to the Jews and Palestine doesn't exist, and anyone who says differently is a Holocaust Denier.